Butternut Squash Mac n' Cheese

I am sitting and watching Making a Murderer Part 2 and it is BLOWING MY MIND. I am loving it. I only had 3 classes this morning so I am enjoying some time to myself. This almost never happens so I am basking in the glory. 

Anyway, I wanted to write down the Mac n Cheese recipe from my youtube video. Here it is! 

What you need: -1 small butternut squash -olive oil (for drizzling squash) -salt and pepper (for seasoning squash) -can of coconut milk -2-4 tbsp nutritional yeast -1 tsp garlic powder -lemon juice to taste -box of whatever pasta you like What you do: -Half, scoop out seeds, and roast squash at 425F for 45-55 minutes. You want a good caramelization. -Once roasted and cooled, place in blender with all other ingredients and blend until super smooth. -Mix with al dente pasta and EAT!

Hope you all have a wonderful day :)

Where Do We Go?

So as I mentioned previously we are currently living with my parents. (one more nod to how glamorous this is.) Honestly, it is the greatest gift and I am forever grateful. With our time here a big conversation piece is WHERE DO WE GO NEXT?! With both Sean and I both working from home, we can sort of set up shop anywhere. So where should we go? It is really exciting and also daunting to think of all of the places we could potentially end up.

One of the locations that has stood out lately is North Carolina. One of Sean's coworkers is leaving Utah for North Carolina and talked about the affordable housing, up and coming tech bubble, and beautiful environment. After looking further I was shocked to see houses within 20 minutes of lovely beaches for 150-200k. WHAT. There are also incredible mountains nearby as well. We would be right in the midst of historical sights too. Lots of positives here, right?

Some down sides? North Carolina has the highest concentration of pig farms. This is not just a bummer for my sad vegan heart but also there are some serious health risks associated with living near pig farms. Luckily the areas we are interested would not be near those areas but the fact that it is happening is a huge downside. Another downside is how far away it is from all of our family. Have you lived far away from family? What are your thoughts?

We always said we would never go east but for some reason we feel really open to the idea of taking a chance on a brand new place.

What do you know about North Carolina? 

Supermoms and My Dream of Becoming One

The ball is rolling with my VIPKID gig and I am starting to see more and more bookings. I have been watching a bazillion youtube videos about the platform to see how I can improve and get more bookings and be a better teacher. I have noticed something. There are some stay at home moms who are seriously supermoms. Not only are they teaching but they also have many other methods of bringing in money. Whether it be through referring people to their ESL company and creating a stream of income from referrals or creating a youtube channel and generating revenue that way.

It is so hard being a stay at home mom and figuring out your role. I ADORE staying at home with my kids. I see it as a gift that I GET to do. I truly do. However, there has been part of me that just craves to find my own financial contribution to the family. I have been reflecting on my kimchi business and how I could have made it work and I have finally come to a place where I am grateful for the experience but feel at peace that I said goodbye (for now at least.) I was not present with Afton and was working hours that took away from family time. I am sure that if I put in the years of work that I would have the freedom to have the hours I wanted but to be straight up, I do not want to put these years into work. My kids will only be this little right now. I am not sure we will have more kids. This time of my life is really precious. I would regret it forever if I had the chance to be with my kids and missed out. Leaving my small business was the right choice. 

Leaving my business however, left me with a small fire in my soul. A fire that represented thinking outside the box to create an opportunity. That fire really dimmed down to almost nothing the past year (oof this last year was rough for me) BUT the fire is there and I am rekindling it. I have been inspired by these women online generating income in unique ways. So here I am trying to do just that. I am getting the hang of this ESL gig. It is perfect because I wake up and finish working before my children wake up and then I have time to get ready for their day. That is what I want right now. I do not want a career right now. I WANT to be home with my kids. I want to be there for everything! I also want to have a small financial contribution to my family.

The point of this post is to maybe shed some light on the world of the stay at home mom who is not wanting the 9-5 but still wants something. It is a weird place to be in. I am so inspired by the creativity and determination of other supermoms. I am determined to become one. 

Jobs. Money. Thoughts on being a stay at home mom.

So real talk. We moved in with my parents to save money. We have been wanting to buy a house for years and the financial situation was just never right. My parents, being the saints that they are, had open arms in letting us take over while we got ready to buy a house. It's funny because no matter how hard you try, something will always ALWAYS come up. Life is good and we are grateful but YEESH, could we not have a medical expense for like.....maybe even 3 weeks?

Kids greatly increase your need for health insurance. Come over and cry with us if yours sucks too.

Moving on from my pity party.

I have spent many days feeling overwhelmed about money and the slow progress that we have been making. There has been a feeling of impending doom and endless struggle. I spent a lot of my time watching inspirational videos, reading self help books, and listening to positive podcasts. I could explain to you all of the concepts of manifestation and positive thinking but it was so absent from my life. Then came the day when I had melt down of epic proportion. I sat with my sweet, gracious, and patient husband and let it all out. I talked about my regrets, my feeling of being stuck, my feelings of worthlessness. He listened and validated. We use this app called any.do which allows us to have a combined and personal checklist from any device (it is freaking amazing). On our joined check list he added two things:
1. Stay Present
2. It's never too late to start
The next day was almost like a rebirth. I woke up with a new state of mind. I told myself, "Okay. You don't like where you are and want to change it? So change it."
So here I am changing it.

I am embracing this idea of manifestation. I read the book You Are A Badass and it really gave this idea life. I do not know all of the details about this philosophy but it is something along the lines of "everything you want is already there and you just need to make it happen." I am essentially WILLING the universe to give me the things I want and give me the stepping stones to get there.
So here are a few of the things I decided to manifest:
-Have some sort of income that will allow me to stay home with my kids
-Be able to buy a home in a place that fits all of my family's needs
-Have ZERO debt
-Be a good mother and wife

That's it.

So I decided money would be the energy to make my other visions possible. I have been searching for YEARS for a legit work from home gig. I applied for an online ESL job with VIPKID a couple years back but was rejected. I decided to look into it again and emailed the company asking why I was rejected. They advised that I reapply emphasizing my teaching experience more. I did that and was accepted into the application process.

I did two things here that I would not normally do.
1. Reconsider something that I had previously "failed" at
2. Take action to ask why I failed

SO SIMPLE but I would never have done this before. I would just accept my fate and the idea that I am not good enough so why bother (ouch my heart hurts writing that, but it is so true. I have some pretty sad self narratives sometimes).
I had a realization. I remembered a time in my life when I thought I could not fail. I would try anything because I knew I was capable and could make it happen. That slowly died over the past few years. I was (and am continuing) to get that back. Why not me? Why can't I have my ideal situation?

Going back to money. I have been working with VIPKID for a week now and the same self doubt started creeping in. I told myself that I would not get bookings. It would not work out. BUT WAIT. I am manifesting this. I AM GOING TO MANIFEST THE CRAP OUT OF THIS. I continues to take workshops and check my schedule as if the bookings would be there. The first few days were slow but now they are filling in. I am making money. It has been less than a week!!!

Could this be working?

Something else interesting happened. I was able to land an additional job that would work on top of my current schedule that would not interfere at all.

Whoa. How? Ok, universe. I am listening.

It is complicated being a stay at home mom. It is a combination of relishing in the incredible opportunity to be able to be part of every moment of your little one's lives and also feeling like you may go insane because you are part of every moment of your little one's lives. Ok, to be honest, the kids are not the hard part. I would say the things that make staying home with my kids hard is the feeling of not knowing when I will talk to another adult next, not knowing when my shower will fit in in the next week, not knowing if my son is going pee on me when I change his diaper, and changing 8 million diapers a day. I am sorting out the negative feelings. Most of the time when I think being a stay at home mom is hard, it is because I am not taking care of myself. When you are not investing in yourself, you have very little to work with when it comes to offering your everything to these little beings. Also, please do not feed me the "I lost myself when I had kids" bull crap. SORRY BUT YOUR KIDS ARE VULNERABLE PERFECT BEINGS OF ENDLESS OPPORTUNITY. Find yourself again but realize "parent" is part of that new you. Own it. Your kids deserve your best effort. Now I will just tell myself that really quick.

Now. my life is not where I want it to be but that is okay. I am enjoying my phase of transition. I am embracing change and open ended futures. I am trying SO FREAKING HARD to be present during this time with my kids. It is flying by and is truly the most precious thing I can imagine experiencing here in my life.

So bring it on, future. I am manifesting the hell out of you.

Rewriting My Story

I am rewriting my story. The last three years of my life have been a whirlwind of change and chaos and more change and utter chaos. Somehow I went from being a ten year resident of Utah, thinking I would never leave to now being a mother of two and living with my parents...Please tell me I am not alone in feeling like my life is not going exactly how I thought it would.

I know I am not alone. Being an adult is hard and life is rude and does not like to cooperate if it thinks you are not paying attention or taking advantage. WELL HERE I AM LIFE. I am paying attention. I am clawing my way to a place of serenity and gratitude. Are you happy now? I am trying to be happy with what I have.

Alright, enough with the drama.

The past three years have been insanely transforming. I now have two babies, my husband has completely shifted careers, we have moved in with my parents, and I am not sure what exactly I am doing with my life. I used to think I had it all figured out.

I think the universe has a way of yelling at you to try and get you to pay attention. I had been ignoring it for a long time. Like I said, I thought I had it all figure out. I would give people advice feeling SO SURE it was the best damn thing they would hear that year, maybe in their whole life. For real, I thought I was that wise.

So after a hard and really humbling few years, I am here. I am shaking the etch a sketch of my life. I am literally starting over.

I have a lot of weight in my soul because I have been pretty public about my ventures and goals but with that my failures have also been very public. I was accepted to graduate school and declined. I started a business that rocked and had massive support behind it and had to say goodbye (I have not talked about this to many people.) I moved to California from Utah without much of an explanation to anyone. My coping skill through all of this has been to minimize and simplify. I deleted Facebook which has been such a relief. I have let go of over half of my possessions and started exploring minimalism. I have utilized this time to really dig deep and figure out where do I go from here? I am writing this without an answer to that question but more of a direction. So here is what I've got:

1. Be at peace with where I am by making peace with my past and my "failures"
2. Prioritize my roles and embrace who I want to be
3. Take time to figure out my personal goals. Be proud that being a mom is my priority right now.
4. Find a way to contribute in a monetary way that does not harm or take away from my main priorities.
5. Develop my passions and find joy every day.
6. Always be learning.
7. Live healthy and ethically.

Life is amazing and precious. I refuse to go through it with regret and a poor self view. So here I am making sure that I don't.